IF PREMIER LEAGUE TEAMS WERE CARS – BUT DO YOU AGREE

With the coronavirus pandemic wreaking havoc on the worldwide sporting calendar, sporting fans have been itching for something else to keep them entertained during the UK lockdown.

Whilst the Premier League has been postponed until 30^th April (although this date will most likely move!), Auto Trader, the UK’s largest digital marketplace for new and used cars, has shared a cheeky list comparing Premier League teams to cars, to see if sports fans agree.

Check out the list below and see if you can do any better.

1. Liverpool - Just like the DeLorean DMC, Liverpool FC are desperate right now for a time machine to either take them to the end of this current season (whenever that might be) or even back in time 29 years ago to when the club last won the League and Back to the Future was released in cinemas.
2. Man City – The (gold) Bugatti Veyron was really good decades ago, then crap, now going a bit weird. Nobody knows how much it really costs, or what it even is. The driver looks a bit sheepish and embarrassed to be at the wheel. Also currently banned from reaching full potential on European roads.
3. Leicester – We’ve compared the team to the Subaru Impreza WRX. Usually mediocre and a bit bland, apart from one unbelievable example – built entirely on speed – which to this day people still can’t quite believe happened.
4. Chelsea – Maybach was established just two years before Chelsea Football Club, and now specialises in building cars for the amusement of Russian oligarchs living in London. Daimler bought Maybach in 1960 – but didn’t properly get going until the early noughties. It’s expensive, lavish and powerful but compromised by an antique platform (planning still pending with Kensington council on Stamford Bridge).
5. Man Utd – Just look at the Jaguar XJ220, it’s the 90s personified. The quality of Scholes, the temper of Roy Keane, the speed of Kanchelskis and the verve of Giggsy. Also has a bit maverick like Eric, and if all of this doesn’t get you revved up, it’s as gorgeous as David Beckham.
6. Wolves - You’ll have to go back as far as the late 1950s to when Wolves last won the league. The same time the Mini was born as a standout British classic. Despite its small statue, today the Mini Hatch punches well above its weight, competing for a top 10 spot in 2020 sales in the UK, whilst also proving popular in Europe. You’ve got Nuno Espirito Santo to thank for blowing those bloody doors off.
7. Sheffield Utd – Like the Kia Sportage, they are honest and no-nonsense but good quality, economical and unexpectedly challenging the more established players. They’ve also picked up a few awards on the way.
8. Tottenham Hotspur – Some say they are like the Lancia Delta Integrale. Buccaneering, freewheeling and stylish but haven’t won anything for ages. A constant tale of hope and failed expectations but with the odd moment of supreme achievement.
9. Arsenal – Compare this team to the Renault Avantime. A car with plenty of French flair, loads of tech, full of new ideas, and oozing style. After a great start and getting on The Top Gear cool wall, it ultimately flattered to deceive, ending up disappointing its passionate followers due to a basic lack of quality.
10. Burnley – This one is clearly a Dacia Duster; cheap, scrappy and no frills, but bloody efficient and great value for money.
11. Crystal Palace – Like the Ford Capri, the 1970s were the heyday for this club. Noisy, more than the sum of its parts, and traditional, it’s an uncomfortable place to be if it’s not yours and you don’t know it well.
12. Everton – We decided on the Citroen 2CV for these guys. Horrible to watch, you’re sure they’re going to topple over and crash every time they turn a corner (change manager) but somehow, they always get to their destination of mid table, safely and in the most boring manner possible.
13. Newcastle – ‘The Homer': built by a company looking to recreate former glory, looks like great fun but can be a bit mental, “sounds like the world is coming to an end”, inevitably led to financial ruin
14. Southampton – We immediately thought of the Volvo P1800S for these guys. Volvo’s come up with some of the best ideas in modern motoring, mirroring Southampton’s regular supply of wicked players to the Premier League’s top clubs (Bale, Walcott, Oxlade-Chamberlain, Mané, Van Dijk, Lallana and, err, Ricky Lambert). The car was driven by The Saint, which is another handy link…
15. Brighton – Like the Lambretta TV 175, it’s perfect for the upcoming Bank Holiday season. Always a bit on the margins but colourful, stylish and every couple of decades it enjoys a resurgence
16. West Ham – Escort RS Turbo – On its day can take on the big boys, is loads of fun but completely unpredictable and suspect reliability. Used to make a lot of noise, now widely considered to be a money pit
17. Watford – BumbleBee Transformer 2 cars in 1. One week beat Liverpool (Chevy Camaro), next get beaten by Villa (VW Beetle). And we’re always changing our manager!
18. Bournemouth – This team is like the Nissan Cherry. The car your gran would drive, the Nissan Cherry has something honest, homely and down-to-earth about it, just like Bournemouth (The Cherries) and their manager, Eddie Howe. Of all the Premier League managers, he’s also probably the one your gran would invite round for tea, too
19. Aston Villa – Like the Land Rover Defender, the team hails from the Midlands and have seemingly been around since the start of time. They need all four wheels driven to traverse the peaks and troughs of the football league.
20. Norwich City – Canary yellow and based in Norfolk, both Norwich City and the Lotus Europa area bit quirky. They’re an outside choice, with a few great moments but ultimately failed to really establish themselves amongst the big boys.

An Auto Trader spokesperson says: “It’s the list that no one asked for but in an unprecedented silent period for global football, from grass roots to the Champions League, we’re hoping our inaugural list of football club cars will offer some light entertainment for UK football fans.”